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Just a quick update from me incase anyone remembers or cares....
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so we make it up as we go along
07 July 2008 @ 09:56 pm
07 July 2008 @ 01:41 am
I got my head but my head is unraveling
cant keep control
can't keep track of where it's traveling
I got my heart but my heart's no good
you're the only one that's understood
I come along but I don't know where you're taking me
I shouldn't go
but you're wrenching dragging shaking me
turn off the sun
pull the stars from the sky
the more I give to you the more I die
and I want you
you are
the perfect drug
the perfect drug
the perfect drug
the perfect drug
cant keep control
can't keep track of where it's traveling
I got my heart but my heart's no good
you're the only one that's understood
I come along but I don't know where you're taking me
I shouldn't go
but you're wrenching dragging shaking me
turn off the sun
pull the stars from the sky
the more I give to you the more I die
and I want you
you are
the perfect drug
the perfect drug
the perfect drug
the perfect drug
06 July 2008 @ 11:38 pm
So what do you do when you have something that you know is pretty much perfect and you know you should be so grateful for but you still look for something else? I'm never satisfied even when I know I should be.
Just because a good offer comes up doesn't mean you should take it right?
I'm so fucking lucky and I still find ways to try and mess it up.
I'm such a mess and I'm awful.
So disordered in so many ways =(
Just because a good offer comes up doesn't mean you should take it right?
I'm so fucking lucky and I still find ways to try and mess it up.
I'm such a mess and I'm awful.
So disordered in so many ways =(
Current Mood: 
confused
confused07 July 2008 @ 02:01 am
the arts
hi, everyone. this disease is improving my writing skills. during a [very, very slow] binge is when i most successfully create. sometime i write poem-y lyric word collaborative-thingys.
what about you guys? do you find it helps your creativity? i'm going to post one i wrote several minutes ago, while bingeing, in only several minutes. i may regret it in the morning.
feel free to post your poems/writings/links to artwork under mine. i'm posting mine as a reply.
what about you guys? do you find it helps your creativity? i'm going to post one i wrote several minutes ago, while bingeing, in only several minutes. i may regret it in the morning.
feel free to post your poems/writings/links to artwork under mine. i'm posting mine as a reply.
07 July 2008 @ 01:29 am
06 July 2008 @ 11:50 pm
i'm lonely...
Just came home early for no reason and I could be sucking face with my *future husband:)* we'll call him E. I thought I was in huge trouble cause my parents were like, hunting me down and tryin to ruin my life like usual so I came home early and they were ASLEEP. fuck.
So what are you lot doin?? i'm kinda ((really)) horny.
I had the BEST chinese food today from a little cafe called the Green Pepper. I kept it down (obviously cause I was with E and I would never even try to....yknow). But besieds that and a Light Vanilla coffee cooler..its all I ate today. I got the shits from eating too much watermelon last night. and probably from the bacardi perhaps??
Sorry, i'm in kindof a funky mood and just feel like telling you guys every single detail of my life for no apparent reason. so i'm just gonna stop...:D
Shout out a hi or somethin---i'm friggin bored and not even close to tired yet!
Just came home early for no reason and I could be sucking face with my *future husband:)* we'll call him E. I thought I was in huge trouble cause my parents were like, hunting me down and tryin to ruin my life like usual so I came home early and they were ASLEEP. fuck.
So what are you lot doin?? i'm kinda ((really)) horny.
I had the BEST chinese food today from a little cafe called the Green Pepper. I kept it down (obviously cause I was with E and I would never even try to....yknow). But besieds that and a Light Vanilla coffee cooler..its all I ate today. I got the shits from eating too much watermelon last night. and probably from the bacardi perhaps??
Sorry, i'm in kindof a funky mood and just feel like telling you guys every single detail of my life for no apparent reason. so i'm just gonna stop...:D
Shout out a hi or somethin---i'm friggin bored and not even close to tired yet!
Current Location: snuggled in E's bed....(HAH I WISH!)
Current Mood: 
high
highCurrent Music: cell phone vibrate...to lazy to get it
07 July 2008 @ 12:30 am
i'm sorry
i'm not quite sure if anyone even remembers my last post here.. where i had stupidly suggested that my bulimia was more 'severe' than others.. and i really want to take my time out to apologize to those i have slighted by that comment, and even to those who didn't mind as much. i understood that bulimia came in all different forms.. but it's only now that i realize that whether you've been struggling with bulimia for a month or 30 years, or are a purging or non-purging bulimic that it deeply affects us in the same ways. i'm just wanting to make clear that the day i had written that.. i was just feeling very down. i spent that particular day b/p'ing, the only difference being that for the first time my five month old daughter was right beside me, looking up at me from her carrier. i had and still feel so ashamed.. but again, i apologize to all of you for envoking any negative emotion.
on another note.. i have many questions. i'm sure many of you know what it's like to feel alone with your bulimia, since plenty remain secretive about the topic at hand, including me. not exactly anymore, since my entire family is now currently aware of my e/d. and well, they're not exactly being supportive about it. in fact, not at all. i came out to my aunt, who's a nurse.. and even still, she's been very rude about the whole thing. saying things like, 'stay away from my kitchen', and 'why are you eating that? you're just going to throw it up anyway.' ... in FRONT of other family members who didn't know about it. i confided in her.. even revealed to her that i wasn't comfortable about my own mother knowing about it for now, until i sought out professional help. i feel so betrayed. today at the dinner table at another one of my uncle's places, my uncle said, 'are you still throwing up?' again, in FRONT of cousins who didn't know. i get that people looking from the outside in have a hard time trying to see where we're coming from, but i mean if there's a medical term for it, it MUST be serious, right?
...i'm done crying, but i was wondering if you guys would like to share your experiences with me. i know sometimes we are very light-hearted about our issues, even humorous.. but sometimes we're also very down about everything. today, for me, is a cloudy day.
anyone like to exchange msn's too, btw? :)
i really do love all of you, in a non-creepy way. hah.
on another note.. i have many questions. i'm sure many of you know what it's like to feel alone with your bulimia, since plenty remain secretive about the topic at hand, including me. not exactly anymore, since my entire family is now currently aware of my e/d. and well, they're not exactly being supportive about it. in fact, not at all. i came out to my aunt, who's a nurse.. and even still, she's been very rude about the whole thing. saying things like, 'stay away from my kitchen', and 'why are you eating that? you're just going to throw it up anyway.' ... in FRONT of other family members who didn't know about it. i confided in her.. even revealed to her that i wasn't comfortable about my own mother knowing about it for now, until i sought out professional help. i feel so betrayed. today at the dinner table at another one of my uncle's places, my uncle said, 'are you still throwing up?' again, in FRONT of cousins who didn't know. i get that people looking from the outside in have a hard time trying to see where we're coming from, but i mean if there's a medical term for it, it MUST be serious, right?
...i'm done crying, but i was wondering if you guys would like to share your experiences with me. i know sometimes we are very light-hearted about our issues, even humorous.. but sometimes we're also very down about everything. today, for me, is a cloudy day.
anyone like to exchange msn's too, btw? :)
i really do love all of you, in a non-creepy way. hah.
07 July 2008 @ 12:22 am
So damn thankful
So I've had one of the craziest days of my life, and it's all too much to unfold right now, but suffice it to say I feel good.
I feel extremely blessed right now, given the circumstances. While there are lots of reasons why this day might have been nice in any event, I know I have a handful of you out there to thank personally for helping me to get to where I am at this very moment.
I wish I had time to reply to everyone individually tonight, but I'm afraid I'm exhausted, and if I can fall asleep before the compulsion to b/p sets in, I will have had a day of total success. That's fucking sweet.
So, I will see you all, my lovelies, in the morning :)
Sweet dreams.
I feel extremely blessed right now, given the circumstances. While there are lots of reasons why this day might have been nice in any event, I know I have a handful of you out there to thank personally for helping me to get to where I am at this very moment.
I wish I had time to reply to everyone individually tonight, but I'm afraid I'm exhausted, and if I can fall asleep before the compulsion to b/p sets in, I will have had a day of total success. That's fucking sweet.
So, I will see you all, my lovelies, in the morning :)
Sweet dreams.
Current Music: Feist
06 July 2008 @ 09:16 pm
family guy?
06 July 2008 @ 11:59 pm
My last post was lame. I kind of want to delete it but I'm lazy. Ha. I basically binged, with the intention to purge but I feel like the apartments they have us housed in are designed to be anti-bulimic. Tell me why the comptuer lab doesn't have a bathroom? So if I need to use the bathroom, I have to walk out of the computer lab building, up a hill, and (for me), two flights of stairs to use the bathroom in my room. I have a roommate:(. She needs to visit her boyfriend more often so I can purge in peace. Anyway, I was walking out tonight around 11:40 p.m. after finishing up my cereal binge with a large sandwich and chips, with the intention of going to the gas station to purge (only private stall I know of because the academic buildings are closed), but it was dark. And late. And insane? So halfway, I headed back. I later noticed boxes by the computer lab, and contemplated taking them behind the building before I got some sense knocked into me.
I'm going to fall behind on research, but heck if I really care. Obviously, eating about 5,000 calories (no joke) in one day is less acceptable than not finishing up my powerpoint, fellowship apps, etc., right? I'm actually really good at working out now, and I've pulled this type of schedule before...but never at a time where I had a presentation, poster, etc. coming up. Eh.
Schedule:
7:30-9:30 Workout
Slap on some jeans, put on some body spray, and bam, I'm set.
10-11 Meeting with advisor
11:30 -1 Workout
1:30--laundry
4-6 Workout with friend (it will be my "first time of the day," oy)
Maybe a nice b/p session afterwards. Maybe.
Sorry for being a posting freak. What can I say...I have an addictive personality...
07 July 2008 @ 03:33 am
I hate hate hate when I flush the toilet after purging and there's still a bunch of puke floating on top. I just purged at my friends house and after I flushed the water was still all red from the sauce from the baked ziti I ate and there was a bunch of bits of food floating on the top and I was like FUCK. I ended up flushing like 3 times haha. Not obvious at all.
06 July 2008 @ 11:19 pm
I've Been dating my boyfriend Steven for a while now
but I kind of just want to come clean about my eating disorder with him.
He's always telling me I'm way to thin and when he hugs me he tells me all he can feel is bone.
My excuse is always well I'm really active, I've got a fast metabolism and I laugh it off and immediatly change the subject.
But lately it seems to be really affecting my health.
I've been bulimic for years I don't know how long
but I sometimes shake badly and I can't stop. My shoulder, hip, ribs, theigh bones and even my shin bones are starting to show.
But I still feel fat
I eat maybe 1000 calories but I purge most of it so
maybe 500 calories
at the most.
I wear a size 0-3
I'm 5.5
113 pounds
I still feel like a fat kid
I'm 15 years old.
I really want to stop but I fear becoming a 400 pound mess that no one will want.
I don't know how he will take it. Or how to even begin to tell him.
but I kind of just want to come clean about my eating disorder with him.
He's always telling me I'm way to thin and when he hugs me he tells me all he can feel is bone.
My excuse is always well I'm really active, I've got a fast metabolism and I laugh it off and immediatly change the subject.
But lately it seems to be really affecting my health.
I've been bulimic for years I don't know how long
but I sometimes shake badly and I can't stop. My shoulder, hip, ribs, theigh bones and even my shin bones are starting to show.
But I still feel fat
I eat maybe 1000 calories but I purge most of it so
maybe 500 calories
at the most.
I wear a size 0-3
I'm 5.5
113 pounds
I still feel like a fat kid
I'm 15 years old.
I really want to stop but I fear becoming a 400 pound mess that no one will want.
I don't know how he will take it. Or how to even begin to tell him.
06 July 2008 @ 11:05 pm
before i retire for the evening and head off to la la land...i want to thank those of you who got me through the weekend. as pathetic as it sounds, the support from a bunch of online "strangers" got me through the weekend.
i disposed of my xanax and vicodin stash....as fun as they are, i know that its dangerous for me to have around. and i don't want to numb, i want to learn to cope.
i have a double dose of therapy tomorrow...lucky me. i'm hoping i can regain my focus. bikram should def help ( but im only letting myself go if i make it through the day without purging)
anyways, im leaving ya'll with some of the postsecrets i have saved to my computer. gooodnight.
( those who judge you don't matter. and those that matter don't judge you )
i disposed of my xanax and vicodin stash....as fun as they are, i know that its dangerous for me to have around. and i don't want to numb, i want to learn to cope.
i have a double dose of therapy tomorrow...lucky me. i'm hoping i can regain my focus. bikram should def help ( but im only letting myself go if i make it through the day without purging)
anyways, im leaving ya'll with some of the postsecrets i have saved to my computer. gooodnight.
( those who judge you don't matter. and those that matter don't judge you )
06 July 2008 @ 10:15 pm
Man, why does shredded wheat cereal have to be so addictive? I know it's healthy, but it stops being healthy after you eat...the entire box, which means I've consumed several thousand calories today because I had the box (250 cals x 12 servings....yeah), soup, and yogurt. So now I'm running through my head the "Let me finish this b/p just this ONE MORE TIME." I could just stop now... When did that one more time turn into years, right? Ha. Part of me is so incredibly excited, but I know, know that I am going to regret it. If I b/p now, I will end up with more calories overall. But I really want to do it. Sorry, just ranting again. You'd think I'd know how to handle life by now. I think I'm a slow learner. Oy.
06 July 2008 @ 10:09 pm
WE ARE SICK???
While growing up, I always wanted to stay small. I started puking my dinner everyday. Sometime throughout the years, i heard about bulimia and ED. I never considered myself sick. I just thought i just wanted to control my weight. Now that i have done research and after years of doing it, i realize it is harmful and now i work out alot. I try to avoid puking but i developed emetophilia. I think my brain just did it because i was puking alot anyway. It seems weird. I started to think every bulimic developed it. I guess not.
Do you all hate yourselves sometimes. I really love myself, should i still consider myself a bulimic. It seems some bulimics seem to really hate themselves. I hate the label bulimic. I just try to control my weight. IS there anyone out there like me.
06 July 2008 @ 09:43 pm
Because I have food on the mind but can not actually eat any ATM...
I'm choosing a bunch of restaurants I love who have online menus and posting what I would like from there if I could get whatever I wanted, every course, money not being a factor or anything.
Feel free to join in with some of your favs (if you're as lame as me on sunday night. yea. im fully aware...)
okay time to watch the next food network star...
I'm choosing a bunch of restaurants I love who have online menus and posting what I would like from there if I could get whatever I wanted, every course, money not being a factor or anything.
Feel free to join in with some of your favs (if you're as lame as me on sunday night. yea. im fully aware...)
( carabbas )
( La Nopalera )
( PF Chang's )
okay time to watch the next food network star...
06 July 2008 @ 09:22 pm
Half of the posts in here make me want to hug the poster.
The other half make me want to slug some bitches in the face.
Seriously.
So did anyone else think today's "writer's block" was hilariously relevent? Did one of you submit it? Haha, it was just too much when I read it!
Anyhow, if you're looking for something to do other than stuff your face for a few hours, go see "Wall-E." My friend and I just went and saw it and it was really adorable.
The other half make me want to slug some bitches in the face.
Seriously.
So did anyone else think today's "writer's block" was hilariously relevent? Did one of you submit it? Haha, it was just too much when I read it!
Anyhow, if you're looking for something to do other than stuff your face for a few hours, go see "Wall-E." My friend and I just went and saw it and it was really adorable.
06 July 2008 @ 09:21 pm
Ipecac
Im looking for people who have used ipecac to let me know how long does it take for it to kick in??/
ALSO im looking for contributors to my project. I need purging videos for a ladies are gross video compilation. Contributors will be paid. Easy money.
06 July 2008 @ 08:13 pm
summer school starts tomorrow. goodie.
I've been B/Ping all aft/eve and I've run out of food...so now I'm eating whatever I can find and I'm having a lot of trouble purging. a lot of trouble. brownies. ugh. added some ramen into the mix (OH YES...YAY RAMEN OH YAY) hoping that will make a difference or something. ha.
bugger. i hate my life right now *whine*
old school is on. this is helping kind of. maybe I'll just get drunk after this next lame attempt at puking.
sorry if this is a tad too much for some. don't feel like putting anything "questionable" under a cut right now...
anybody else doing anything worth talking about?
I've been B/Ping all aft/eve and I've run out of food...so now I'm eating whatever I can find and I'm having a lot of trouble purging. a lot of trouble. brownies. ugh. added some ramen into the mix (OH YES...YAY RAMEN OH YAY) hoping that will make a difference or something. ha.
bugger. i hate my life right now *whine*
old school is on. this is helping kind of. maybe I'll just get drunk after this next lame attempt at puking.
sorry if this is a tad too much for some. don't feel like putting anything "questionable" under a cut right now...
anybody else doing anything worth talking about?
07 July 2008 @ 08:21 pm